Aaron's Status

8:08 am

Climbing

Due to calendar chaos, the wife and I ended up climbing together on Wednesday morning before departing for Thanksgiving in Connecticut. We seldom climb together by ourselves because we have a small child, so it was really nice to work on some problems without distraction.

She’d been working on this really cool V5 that goes from the wall under a roof, across the roof, and then up onto the vertical surface above. She had been doing the roof part by hanging onto a long hold on both sides with both toes; some real Lara Croft shit.

After we were pretty warmed up, she went for another try and sent it so smoothly. I had tried it just one time and got as far as the toe thing and bailed, so I decided to challenge myself to get just to the first hold beyond the roof. I got there, and once I did, I just kept going, and I sent it, too!

Now there was no doubt in my mind that my wife was going to get the send; she’s sent numerous V6s by now, but me? This was only the third V5 I’ve ever sent, and I’d call this one a legit V5 for sure. Big win, I felt like I could go home at that point.

We moved on to some toplines. There was a black 5.11 that I had my eye on that is on manual belay so we went for that. The wife flashed it, I believe. I also sent it, I can’t remember if it was a flash, but I do remember that it was a lot harder than it looked.

I tried to focus on what is joyful in climbing; finding the beta, moving smoothly, etc. I don’t know if it worked. It’s easy to get into tunnel vision thinking about the send and I think I definitely have more work to do here.

From there we started working on a yellow 5.11 and that one took some doing. Eventually we both sent it! I was feeling pretty strong that day, but especially after the yellow one, I started to feel kind of lightheaded coming off.

We worked on a green 5.10 there that felt like a 5.10b at least, with a rather powerful weight shift crux 3/4 of the way up. The wife sent it, and I fell off a couple of times and bailed.

This was the point where things started to take a turn. I ate the Clif bar, I had a rest, we moved over to another spot and worked on a yellow 5.10 that would probably be like a 5.10c or d if our gym used the letter scale, which they don’t. I was really feeling depleted at this point but I think maybe I don’t recognize that feeling right away.

We moved to an adjacent red 5.10 and the wife was pumped and bailed pretty close to the top. I had a go and actually flashed it, but at this point I was feeling physically pretty done. We decided to take off.

The drive home was fine, then we had a lot of holiday prep to do, so the wife went to pick up the kid from school and take him to a haircut, and I had to go pick up our turkey from the store. I had a shower and some lunch, but I still felt really shaky, so I also ate a bunch of trail mix (possibly too much).

I set out for the store and at some point on the drive, I started to spiral into panic.

Anxiety

I’ve had my struggles with anxiety, which I think I get from my dad, who has also been around the merry-go-round with it through his life. It’s still pretty rare for me to have like a full-blown panic attack, but when it happens it’s not fun.

For me, I usually spiral into a feeling of being on the brink of death, and every bodily sensation and thought is entrained by the panic to work as hard as it can to convince me that it’s over. I somehow managed to pull through to the store, get the stupid turkey, and get home.

When I got home I crashed into bed and tried to sleep. Usually I can have a brief nap and shake it off, but this time we had to leave for holiday festivities and there was a real ticking clock running down, and maybe I actually slept for like 15 minutes but it wasn’t enough.

I got my wife to drive, and holiday traffic made the trip 2+ hours, so I just put on my most ambient music on my noise-canceling headphones and tried to zonk out. I think it worked and I definitely relaxed some, though not completely.

I continued to feel kind of disassociated through the evening. I had a cannabis edible and that seemed to really help; I should have had one for the car ride in retrospect. It really helps kind of distance me from all of my body sensations. So let that be a tip for you if you’re in a similarly progressive state with legal cannabis.

Turkey holocaust

We had a very nice Thanksgiving though, and I won’t bore you with it all, but we were down at my in-laws in Connecticut for it. We had a nice turkey, I carved it, which I’m not good at, and we had a ton of sides and desserts. I was truly stuffed.

The following day (yesterday), we drove home and stopped at a different climbing gym on the way up. I was not feeling great. Still a bit in my head about stuff, probably just fatigued from all the food and weed and sleeping in a strange bed.

This gym has walls about 30% taller than our home gym, and I did flash a couple of 5.10s that were fun to do. I took a few swings at a couple of 5.11s but didn’t bank any sends. I kept feeling just “weird” and overtired and I don’t think my heart was entirely in it.

Today my folks are coming up and we’re doing Thanksgiving all over again, so it does feel like a pretty restless holiday in a lot of ways. After Thanksgiving dinner, we’ll go take in the Winterlights event at the Bradley Estate, which we’ve done for a few years now. That’s always a nice time.

Almost time to start moving again.

Here we go.